Stay, little valentine, stay!

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [dullniece] b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. Subject: V Day.

Oysters, roses, shampoo, yada yada. Obv choccies no good viz. Dukan diet. I’ve tried it all, Niecey. Left-field ideas, please.

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: adultery@gmail.com. Subject: Re. V Day.

Fine Uncle, thanks for asking, and how are you?

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [dullniece] b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. Subject: Re.re. V Day.

Was rather hoping we could skip the social niceties. I’m *desperate* for original Valentine’s gift for E and you occasionally come up with bizarre ideas that might just work.

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: adultery@gmail.com.

You do know I can see your ‘cute’ bracketed nickname for me, don’t you? Why did you give her shampoo? Bit weird. Initial ideas off top of head: lingerie, shoes, diamond collar for that strange dog she carries about.

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [lovelyhelpfulniece]

Shampoo = champagne, pleb. Strange dog = Bonsai the chihuahua. Your ideas = zzzz. Whither thine imagination? I’m thinking of taking her somewhere interesting. Suggestions?

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [annoyinguncle]

Ok. Marrakesh? Hindu Kush? Legoland? Rights of Man?

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [lovelyhelpfulniece]

Done, done, done, the what?

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [annoyinguncle]

Just chucked in the last one to wake you after all the zzz’s. It’s a new pub here.

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [lovelyhelpfulniece]

Now actually you might be onto something, O child of my brother. Emmanuelle surprisingly keen on Lewes last visit.

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [annoyinguncle]

I am meant to be working, dear Unckie. The only thing she liked was Mimi clothes shop. That won’t keep her occupied for long; what, about three hours? You’d have time to take in your favourite event, Seedy Saturday.

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [cleverniece]

Now we’re cooking with gas Niecey! I’ve always had a very special time at that surprisingly-wholesome-given-its-name affair, LOL. It certainly would be left-field. And low-cost, appeasing my turbulent stock portfolio. Sweeten it with a stay in a welcoming yet cheap apartment and perhaps a trifling gee-gaw from one of your many jewellers, and Bob’s your Uncle. Well, no he’s not, I’m your Uncle. Well done, my fine ping-pong ball. Now, may I ask, what is your manfriend is getting YOU for Lover’s Day?

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [annoyinguncle]

We don’t do Valentine’s. We’re married.

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [sadpatheticniece]

What a dreadful indictment of today’s youth.

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [infuriatinguncle]

I’m ploughing through a rather dense report, Unc, and I’ve read the same sentence six times. Can I go now?

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [sadpatheticniece]

Certainly. I’d just like to return the favour, so ping over hubby’s email address and I’ll give him some ideas to spice up your stagnant romance.

Sender: b.miller@hotmail.co.uk. To: [infuriatinguncle]

I like all the things you dismissed at the start, esp chocolates and ‘shampoo.’

Sender: adultery@gmail.com. To: [niecehusband] j.miller@hotmail.co.uk

Excuse the intrusion, old thing, but heads up, as the youngies say: I just know that B’s PRAYING for family trip to Legoland for Valentine’s. And while you’re there, E and I are only too happy to housesit.

Beth Miller, published in Viva Lewes handbook, February 2013