tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87369313261200706802024-03-05T22:07:43.039+00:00small pleasuresLife and LewesBeth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.comBlogger180125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-67578013965804860772015-05-05T15:33:00.000+01:002015-05-05T15:43:05.984+01:00Well done, Sister Suffragette! <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODHLSUGJnG-ZAApiBz8xr_zEJELvmRpX2ORDC43D53fXqkOsEwCj29rKPLzmYt6a-9TvVu6U-IDX-NyZbasrpHx9MMX2bO58kQBTtAhX9ZCD16qD96FNsydkq-cwAtNGQOVOI2rcSpEnZ/s1600/mans-hand-with-pin-next-to-balloon-sami-sarkis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODHLSUGJnG-ZAApiBz8xr_zEJELvmRpX2ORDC43D53fXqkOsEwCj29rKPLzmYt6a-9TvVu6U-IDX-NyZbasrpHx9MMX2bO58kQBTtAhX9ZCD16qD96FNsydkq-cwAtNGQOVOI2rcSpEnZ/s1600/mans-hand-with-pin-next-to-balloon-sami-sarkis.jpg" height="200" width="133" /></a>'I’ve thought of a
better way than sticking in a pin,’ Grange Girl said, passing me a cup of tea
and taking the pin out of my hand. I tend towards the literal when it comes to metaphors,
sayings and proverbs. For instance, I do actually grind axes, I tend to put
pans to the back burner, and I make goldfish faces when I drink too much.
</span><br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘I don’t know anything about any of these candidates,’ I protested, ‘so I
need the pin to help make a democratic choice.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">She shook her head, and I said, panicked, ‘I know you’re going to make me read their manifestos or
something. If so, give me back the damn pin, and I’ll use it to stab myself.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Do town councillors even have manifestos?’ Grange Girl
turned my list round so she could read from it. ‘Look at their names.’ She
pointed to the first candidate. ‘Mr Flake, for the Lib Dems. Well, say no
more.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I nodded. ‘I see what you’re doing. But actually the word ‘flake’
for me conjures up, not an unreliable person, but a delicious chocolate bar which,
thanks to the power of advertising, is forever associated with a sex act.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘This is an art, not a science. If you like the sound of his
name, Mr Flake might be your man.’ She moved down the list. ‘Ms Makepeace, for
the Greens. Make Peace. That’s nice, isn’t it? And look, here’s another Green,
Alexander Fleming. Discovered penicillin, right?’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Different chap, I’m guessing, on the grounds of age.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘You can tell so much from a name,’ Grange Girl said. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘You can’t, though. That’s a proverb you’ve just made up.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Here’s a Labour candidate called Mr Blair.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Well, to be fair to him, he couldn’t really stand for any
other party, could he? It would seem like he was trying to avoid his fate: ergo, evasive.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Exactly. And look, another useful-sounding Green: Mr Handy.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Don’t tell me, the Tories are fielding Mr Tickle.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘No, they’ve got Ms Orwell, which makes me think of Big
Brother and double-think. You know, I think this method does actually work.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I looked under the table at Grange Girl’s feet. There’s
no-one I admire more, but I wasn’t surprised to see that she was wearing clay
slippers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Grangey, how is choosing a candidate by their name any less
arbitrary than sticking in a pin in?’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘How is it any more arbitrary?’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Fair point. I guess this is the exact sort of random freedom
the Suffragettes fought for. So,’ I asked her, ‘You going to use this method
for the parliamentary election too?’</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">‘Don’t be silly,’ she said. She held up my pin. ‘I’m really going
to need to keep my eyes closed for that one.’</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> <i>Beth Miller, 5th May 2015</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-36521417527970467922015-02-27T11:35:00.001+00:002015-02-27T11:35:27.584+00:00Who's prepared to pay the price, for a trip to paradise?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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It was late, and Pixie Haircut and I were crossing the Bell
Lane rec, when she said, apropos of nothing, “Do you think there are
prostitutes in Lewes?” </div>
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<br /></div>
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Quick as a flash, I pulled on some fishnet stockings and posed
provocatively under the lamp-post. However, it was so dark (the lamp wasn’t
on), that Pixie didn’t notice, and I had to resort to calling out ‘Hello,
Duckie,’ to get her attention. Yes, I am willing to concede that my representation
of sex workers is slightly out of date. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I caught Pixie up (she’d hurried on ahead for some reason),
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that on her way to meet me earlier that evening, she’d walked past a house
where a lady in a state of <span style="mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">déshabillé </span>was
standing in her doorway, waving an affectionately lewd goodbye to a much older
gentleman. I won’t trouble you here with Pixie’s spirited re-enactment, but it
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“I definitely saw it, and no he wasn’t her father or grandfather or
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“You know this because…”</div>
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“I just do.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Pixie led me to this alleged house of ill-repute and we
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“There’s a light on,” she gasped, “at this hour!”</div>
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“Well,” I said, reasonably, “We’re out at this hour, and
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teeth, put on our cold cream, etc.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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We speculated for a few more minutes, then the front door
opened, making us jump. A burly man stepped out onto the path. Behind him stood
the purported Lady of the Night, wearing a floral dressing gown which she was
holding closed at the front. We tried to look inconspicuous, but we were
clearly casing the joint. </div>
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“You two gonna be out here gabbing all night?” growled the
man, shining a torch into our faces. “Me and the wife are trying to sleep.”</div>
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The woman behind him said, “Come on, Ray,” and with an extra
frown, the man clicked off the torch and went back inside.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As soon as the front door slammed Pixie and I scuttled up
the road and didn’t speak till we were outside my house. “Husband, my eye,” I
said.</div>
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“He was clearly her husband,” Pixie said firmly. “So either
he has no idea what’s going on. Or he’s, er, her business manager.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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I went indoors and reported our investigative findings to
Man of the House. </div>
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“A red light district? In Lewes?” he snorted, spreading
Gentlemen’s Relish onto an organic oatcake. “I don’t think so. Now if you were
to say Newhaven, well, that’d be a different story.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Beth Miller, 27th Feb 2015 </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-87822603425635627842015-01-27T12:13:00.000+00:002015-01-27T12:42:06.450+00:00There's a difference in living and living well<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_wuKSMlGBIvxThJJsZe3OQOKdbXVV4A5X14N8ZLg4-FH0R_IodGNuEDfD6U_boI6VAY7b_aPEfWSHace7KsMcP7vCJrZ9OVdb51khkMzHC4Cj-9aT7ucFP-GICKzODbEMk5w2mQiYmssr/s1600/emma+onioins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_wuKSMlGBIvxThJJsZe3OQOKdbXVV4A5X14N8ZLg4-FH0R_IodGNuEDfD6U_boI6VAY7b_aPEfWSHace7KsMcP7vCJrZ9OVdb51khkMzHC4Cj-9aT7ucFP-GICKzODbEMk5w2mQiYmssr/s1600/emma+onioins.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
For Christmas, I received India Knight’s book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In Your Prime</i>. I suppose I was given it because
‘prime’ is a euphemism for ‘past your prime’. (Actually I was given it because
I asked for a copy, but there’s no pathos in that version.) The book is targeted
at women in their late forties and beyond, and focuses rather more on foot care
than I was expecting. It’s less about prime in the Miss Jean Brodie sense of running
away to fight in the Spanish civil war, and more about prime as an excuse to
buy things to make life easier.<br />
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<br /></div>
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Now India Knight is a well-heeled woman who lives in a very smart
part of London (I have in fact seen her house, but I am NOT a stalker, as I
explained to the police), and so her list of essential items, in the chapter
called ‘Living Well’, includes a bed which costs in the thousands, goose-down
pillows, personal trainers, laser-surgery, Botox, a ‘good’ handbag (meaning
Louis Vuitton rather than Debenhams) and so on.</div>
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<br /></div>
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This got me thinking about the things that help me live
well. Few of them are the most expensive things I’ve ever bought. Some of them
aren’t even actual purchases, sorry India, I know I’m letting the side down. Most
of them, of course, are items of stationery. First amongst these, the King of
Living Well, is envelopes. How often have I gone to get an envelope to send something
important, like a complaint letter to the school, and only found one ratty
square red envelope, its glue no longer tacky. Well, now I have a whole stack
of envelopes, in C4, C5, C6 and the sad outsider DL. Get me knowing the official
sizes. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More must-haves: a proper sellotape dispenser
so you don’t have to waste time finding the end; Pritt stick that hasn’t dried
out (tricky, as Pritt dries out overnight, like a mayfly), non-perished rubber
bands, pens that work; gloves paired up in a box near the front door; reading
glasses in every room (not a massive expense, these things are cheaper than
chips); zips that don’t stick. </div>
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<br /></div>
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A brief survey revealed some other people’s essential ‘Living
Well’ items to include swimming goggles for cutting onions (see photo, posed by
model - by the way, I’m sparing you the lengthy debate that accompanied this
suggestion, about how none of the other so-called tricks work); a penknife about
one’s person, for all those cutting/mugging emergencies, and a homemade dispenser
for a ball of string, or twine, as we call it in Lewes (the instructions for
this involved a lemonade bottle and were rather complicated).<br />
</div>
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I’m going to write this up on a DL envelope as a proper
list, and next time I’m passing India’s house - once the restraining order’s
lifted - I’ll pop it through the letterbox. In my opinion she needs to focus
less on Botox, and more on envelopes, if she’s really going to have a happy
prime.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Beth Miller </i></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-67516201816174905162014-11-26T14:27:00.001+00:002014-11-26T14:27:53.690+00:00Mary was that mother mild<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->“The English language is a flippin’ curious mistress,” was Sweary
Mary’s opening gambit as she rustled, laden with shopping bags, into the
Patisserie, and ordered a chocolate and almond croissant. I’m not being paid for
this recommendation (though for future reference, I am open to bribery), but <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the Patisserie’s c-and-a croissant is stunning,
and only about 75 calories. Or 750. One or the other.<br />
<br />
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“Go on, then,” I said, not that Mary was ever not going to
go on.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“I’ve been doing some Christmas shopping…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“It’s TOO SOON.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“There are only 28 blinking days to go. It’s futile to stick
your head in the tinsel.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“I don’t think that is an actual expression.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She let rip a hearty rendition of the first few bars of the
rude version of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman.’ I gave a subtle gesture of
appreciation that anyone watching might have mistaken for the ‘wanker’ hand
signal.</div>
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“So anyway,” Mary said, seguing seamlessly from ‘to save us
all from Satan’s power,’ back to shopping, “while buying presents, I noticed
the way stores use clever blimming language to entice us. The obvious one is that
very Lewes thing of calling string ‘twine’. Twine sounds much nicer. You say,
crikey, £6 for a ball of string? Are you ‘aving a larf?” (Mary gave it the full
Dick van Dyke.) “But the shopkeeper says, why no madam, that’s finest quality
twine.” She gave an awkward little cough. “And before you know it, you’ve damn
well bought it, in three different colours.”</div>
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Poor Mary. I said, “I’m really looking forward to opening my
twine on Christmas Day.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She smiled gratefully. “The lilac’s surprisingly nice.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“What else did you fall for, I mean, what other language
tricks did you notice?”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Local. Bung local in front of something and it’s instantly
more worthy. It’s not till you’re half-way through the first glass that you
think, son of a gun, maybe local wine isn’t ever going to be as fablis as
Chablis.” She warmed to her theme. “Actually, all adjectives should be banned.
‘Elegant.’ ‘Finest.’ ‘Cosy.’ ‘Stylish.’ ‘Innovative.’ ‘Stunning.’”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“But you love a good adjective, Mary.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Only the sweary sort, darn it. Not the ones that are just
there to shake me down.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Then there’s all the Christmas words,” I said. “Like festive.
That’s used on everything. Festive carrots, for serving alongside the other delicious
trimmings as you and your happy loved ones sit down to a groaning table, and save
one for the snowman’s nose that you and your happy loved ones will make
together later with lots of laughter and no arguments about whether the stones
you’ve used for the eyes are two different sizes.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Cripes, are you all right?” Mary asked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes thanks,” I said, wiping my eyes. “I’m feeling
stunningly festive, seasonal, magical, lavish and wintry.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I put the rest
of my croissant in my mouth to form a kind of plug.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Beth Miller</i> </div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-73051990008284592282014-10-26T21:38:00.002+00:002014-10-26T21:38:44.487+00:00The shit I see, it don't cease to amaze me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOag3Xq7INpolM2p3f8zOcvtlTtCQXZLrHz4MVH-9laEWlZjthrcGOilid1bUZMrBzlZDgnEJPl52eVCGGggZQxoeYo26Wmxj589TxGncDvrWMMTO8V3cPtPCLHzc1mpvYxxbizz3cuqXa/s1600/twine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOag3Xq7INpolM2p3f8zOcvtlTtCQXZLrHz4MVH-9laEWlZjthrcGOilid1bUZMrBzlZDgnEJPl52eVCGGggZQxoeYo26Wmxj589TxGncDvrWMMTO8V3cPtPCLHzc1mpvYxxbizz3cuqXa/s1600/twine.jpg" height="160" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>“Ooh I just had a bit of a turn,” Country Mouse said, with an
accompanying damp crackle of disintegrating paper bags, as she joined Hoxton
Mum and me in the Patisserie. Mouse likes to shop while she’s in Lewes, as the
only chance to buy anything in her hamlet is when the chip van visits on Wednesdays.
But she agrees with me that when it rains, as it was now, one thinks fondly of the
days before we realised that plastic carriers were an evil scourge. I carry a
couple of emergency placcy bags in my coat pocket, and I passed them discreetly
under the table now. Mouse began decanting her purchases into them. </div>
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“Yes,” she
continued chattily, “I was looking in the shop windows at those cute photo
boxes of ye olden days, when I passed the funeral parlour and saw a painting of
a chap I know. Good gracious, I thought, has that poor bugger popped his clogs?
Only saw him last week, Time’s Winged Chariot, etc. Texted his wife to say how
awful, and she had no idea what I was on about.”
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ah, the good old-fashioned sympathy text,” I said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It was just an exhibition, wasn’t it,” said Hoxton Mum. She
was clearly not in the mood for Country Mouse’s wide-eyed astonishment at our Big
City ways.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Heavens to Betsy,” Mouse said, removing a blade of
wheat from her hair. “I find that a baffling choice of venue, don’t you? There
are plenty of nicer places to display pictures. Your café, for instance,
Hoxie.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A frisson of cold air shimmied round the table, and Hoxton
Mum put down her pastry with a surprising clatter. “Um, Mouse,” I said, “the
reason we’re force-feeding Hoxie French fruit tarts is that she has just been
fired from the café/art gallery/twine shop at which she has slogged for the
last three years.”</div>
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“That’s ridiculous,” said Country Mouse, “you lived, ate and
breathed twine, Hoxie.”</div>
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“ I did,” Hoxie said, returning to her pastry. “I gave it my
all, frankly.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The new owner,” I confided to Mouse, “has brought in his
mother to replace Hoxie.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“And she knows nothing about twine,” cried Hoxie, spraying
us with confectioner’s custard. “Rien! Zip! Diddly-squat!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Lewes is such a strange place,” Country Mouse sighed.
“Alive people in funeral parlours, workhorses replaced by people’s relatives,
and also why are there two identical shops next to each other up at the Nevill?
I’d give my eye-teeth for just half a shop in my godforsaken parish.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So true,” Hoxton Mum said, feeling warmer towards Mouse now
that the correct amount of compassion had been expressed. “And another thing….”
she was interrupted by a loud boom of fireworks, which made her spill her flat
white. “Setting off fireworks in the daylight! What’s the point of that?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ah well,” Country Mouse and I said in unison, “Bonfire
surpasses all understanding.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s all you’ve got?” said Hoxton Mum.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yep,” we said, using scraps of paper bags to mop the
coffee.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Beth Miller</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-38922057353506791602014-10-08T22:18:00.002+01:002014-10-08T22:21:56.731+01:00I ain't afraid of no ghosts<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs8UMCKSjftGOm4BaDXy-MUtA3NGqBv8Tlv7Byw1MdPsiqZKtU03vpQ-o-ncNsJZtFKdzKmHD36Cq7fIOKhmhjkaF7Q06yeqakCJyZUwWjXjQH4-M33T8qQU5I1SOA-8CgW0THLfiVJ7F0/s1600/halloween+munday+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs8UMCKSjftGOm4BaDXy-MUtA3NGqBv8Tlv7Byw1MdPsiqZKtU03vpQ-o-ncNsJZtFKdzKmHD36Cq7fIOKhmhjkaF7Q06yeqakCJyZUwWjXjQH4-M33T8qQU5I1SOA-8CgW0THLfiVJ7F0/s1600/halloween+munday+pic.jpg" height="200" width="140" /></a>There’s more to Halloween than purring from behind your sexy
cat mask at terrified <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>teenage boys who
only want a packet of Haribo. I’ve learned that the hard way. Here are my Lewes
Halloween Rules (and you can start by removing that apostrophe from between the
e’s).
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rules for trick-or-treaters</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. No lit pumpkin, no knock. NO KNOCK. Hear me, yobbos? It’s
not cool to hassle un-pumpkined houses, m’kay?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Take a polite number of sweets. Three or four; fewer, if we’re
talking Milky Ways. Sure, you can go for the two-handed grab. But it’s a small
town. Next year you’ll be barred, and will have to go to Uckfield instead.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. If you’re old enough to go without a parent, are you too
old to go? I’m genuinely torn here. Sure, no-one wants to give Percy Pigs to adolescent
mobs who’ve made NO EFFORT other than a pair of ripped fishnets. But on the
other hand, it’ll be really nice when my kids can go by themselves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Mums, you do NOT have to panic-buy tarty schoolgirl/sexy
cat tat from the big Asda. This is not what Emmeline Pankhurst fought for. How
about being a zombie Angela Merkel (interview outfit and let your jaw drop a bit)?
Dads, seen one warlock, seen ‘em all. Mix it up a little. Have you thought
about being a sexy cat?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 192.75pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Ask yourself before you go out: what IS the trick? No-one
ever knows. There’s a savvy woman in Lewes who doesn’t bother buying in sweets.
She just asks all-comers for a trick, knowing she will be greeted with bafflement.
We can do better, people. Prepare a proper trick, like a squirty bow tie, or a
way of conning the homeowner out of their life savings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rules for homeowners</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. Got no lit pumpkin? Then you cannot answer the door. It spreads
confusion and spoils it for everyone. I don’t care if it’s your long lost
brother who’s finally shown up after six years adrift in the Belgian Congo. He
can come back tomorrow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. Remember, your sole purpose is to terrorise small
children. You want to see them screaming. The sweets are merely a sop so that
their parents don’t sue you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8. Confound their expectations. Treaters will chat away as
they approach, not prepared for a fright until they’ve rung the bell. Hide
under a tarpaulin outside your front door, and just before they knock, quietly say,
‘Boo.’ They will wet their pants.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9. Your pumpkin should be scary. A skeleton, ghost, or elaborate
hanging scene. Mickey Mouse has no place here.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10. Follow the example of the legendary woman in Southover who
gives out what she calls witches’ fingers. These are carrots. The most
talked-about ‘treat’ my child got last year was a potato. Admittedly it was
talked about unflatteringly, but it made for a memorable Halloween. Who
remembers the sherbert fountains? They only remember the potato.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes, October 2014.</i> <i>Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a>. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-4825667158026561372014-09-05T14:15:00.000+01:002014-10-08T22:16:42.136+01:00I never knew you, you never knew me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34fZ_iJkrtftvzVpD0_twlVhDKZgPC5d3t9MCkutFUeeCxBPI654b7Np60AukKxgD-X94EdPYlLGQJh35EbBPl5ALvFmFy5T3o8QJHIeEAKpRJElECy-yGOlvD-OusZ8W0cG-reYyyyZ6/s1600/masks.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34fZ_iJkrtftvzVpD0_twlVhDKZgPC5d3t9MCkutFUeeCxBPI654b7Np60AukKxgD-X94EdPYlLGQJh35EbBPl5ALvFmFy5T3o8QJHIeEAKpRJElECy-yGOlvD-OusZ8W0cG-reYyyyZ6/s1600/masks.jpeg" height="200" width="141" /></a></div>
“I was just thinking,” said Grange Girl, “about the time I tripped up Bob Geldof.”<br />
We were sipping homemade lemonade in Baltica, spinning out the last
taste of summer. Grange Girl’s words jolted me from my melancholy
reverie on the futility of existence. “I’m sorry?”<br />
“He deserved it, honestly. You see the lead singer of my band, Megahertz…”<br />
“Hang on! What the what?” I knocked over the lemonade in my confusion.
You’d be looking at Grange Girl a long time before you thought, there’s a
person who was once in a band.<br />
“In the early 80s, we busked outside what’s now Churchill Square.”<br />
I encouraged her to go on by means of the universal signal, the dropped jaw.<br />
“Well, Bob Geldof pinched our lead singer’s ideas for costumes for his
Rat Trap video. Naturally, when I saw him walking down the Kings Road, I
stuck out my leg. He went down like a sapling in a storm.”<br />
I gazed at Grange Girl. “Who <i>are</i> you?”<br />
This certainly snapped out of my September torpor. Just how many of my
friends, I wondered, had these odd bits of unexpected backstory? That
evening I put the question to Pixie Haircut, and she immediately said,
“Well, I wrote to Jimmy Savile…”<br />
“OH MY GOD!” What can of worms was I blithely approaching with a tin-opener?<br />
“No, it’s all right. I was upset he didn’t reply, but obviously with
hindsight that was the best outcome. I asked him to fix it for me to
trim Denis Healey’s eyebrows.”<br />
Back home I made the same enquiry of Man of the House. He lowered the
paper, his own not-insubstantial eyebrows beetling, and said, “I was
once a model in a fashion show.”<br />
“Ha ha, good one!”<br />
He spread Gentleman’s Relish onto a Bath Oliver. “Photographic evidence in my filing cabinet. Under ‘I’ for ‘Implausible.’”<br />
Stone the crows if it wasn’t true. Though younger and more hirsute, MotH
on the catwalk had the familiar dour expression I know so well, though
so would anyone who’d been asked to wear that shirt. I showed him the
picture and he nodded gravely. “Fund-raiser for the Scottish
Enlightenment Society.”<br />
Ah! A dry-as-dust cause. Maybe that wasn’t so out of the ballpark after
all. And thinking about it, Pixie Haircut is a neat and orderly person,
who as a child would doubtless have been irritated by Denis’s negligent
grooming. So I just needed to find some aspect of Grange Girl’s story
that would put her back into her pigeonhole. “This band,” I asked her.
“What music did you play?”<br />
“We did a fine version of Leaving On a Jet Plane.”<br />
OK. Nerdy. Tick. Things were begin to slot back into their proper place. “And what was your instrument?”<br />
“The cowbell.”<br />
Of course it was. All was right with the world. “Welcome back, old friend,” I said.<br />
<br />
<em>Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes September 2014, and vivalewes.com. Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a>.</em>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-82811096542592009662014-08-07T20:22:00.000+01:002014-08-12T20:24:26.170+01:00Go wild in the country<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t0B6a6XslaQoY5YL3Tm6iIC5S3rv_RlWylJ8wgBYGci1l3AnzHgpjZvJP2a8tt3_vQhvBHU1TZBbLv3qGfTBZmCRXh8yXENFBMQmY272cBmDcLypv8nHc0bAlb7-HMdGko_1zuXw18ke/s1600/splash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8t0B6a6XslaQoY5YL3Tm6iIC5S3rv_RlWylJ8wgBYGci1l3AnzHgpjZvJP2a8tt3_vQhvBHU1TZBbLv3qGfTBZmCRXh8yXENFBMQmY272cBmDcLypv8nHc0bAlb7-HMdGko_1zuXw18ke/s1600/splash.jpg" height="200" width="191" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(With apologies to DH)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Wild swimming sounds much more bacchanalian than it is. When Grange
Girl invited me to go wild swimming a few years ago, it sounded like
something I couldn’t miss. I imagined nudity at the very least, and loud
music, and alcohol, and wafty dancing by those crazy-eyed hippies who
turn up to everything. Why I thought Grangey might be the person to
introduce me to such a scene I cannot say. It’s the word ‘wild.’ It
addles my brain. “Want to see this band, The Boring and Dulls?” a friend
will say, and I will reply, “Nuh-uh.” But if the friend adds, “they’re
really wild,” I’ll be there down the front before you can say, “I can’t
believe they’re doing Phil Collins covers”.<br /><br />
Anyway the first clue that the sort of wild I imagined was well, wildly
inaccurate, was when we set off to a lake at 3pm, rather than midnight.
The second clue was Grangey’s kit: goggles and a flask of hot chocolate,
whereas I’d brought glow sticks and ecstasy. Wild swimming, it turns
out, is just a cool way of saying ‘outdoor swimming.’ Grange Girl
deliberately played on my ignorance. She knows I don’t even go in the
leisure centre pool until August.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
I am surrounded by people who love outdoor swimming. My family (save my
youngest child who has inherited my dislike of the cold and wet) are
Pells season ticket-holders. They are never done with flinging
themselves whoopingly into the pool. Oh yes, I tell anyone who asks, of
course I adore the Pells. What I mean is, I love the grassy area where I
sit under a blanket, and the snack counter where I buy tea. I enjoy
watching awkward teens flirt by dive bombing each other. I just don’t
love the blinking freezing water.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">That’s not to say I never swim out of doors. On very rare occasions at
the peak of summer, I may be persuaded to take a dip at Barcombe Mills.
While half my family is already splashing noisily, I will lower myself
slowly down the side of the bank, one centimetre every five minutes.
Often my loved ones are out and towelling themselves off by the time my
shoulders are submerged.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
During my slow descent I stare in amazement at all the people who just
run up and leap in. They don’t re-appear screaming and swearing, as
you’d expect. No, they bob up smiling, saying “it’s like a bath,” (which
it isn’t, unless you went to a public school), and “very refreshing,”
(in the way that electric shocks are very refreshing). Once in, I thrash
about, sobbing, until finally, after a couple of horrible lengths, I
acclimatise, and become an annoying convert. “It’s lovely! Like a bath!
Very refreshing.” My son stands on the grass, clutching the blanket
around him, shaking his head. He’s not wild about it, to be honest.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<i>Beth Miller. </i><i><i><i>Published in Viva Lewes August 2014, and in vivalewes.com.</i></i>Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a>. </i></span>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-49846377949356017572014-07-16T20:17:00.000+01:002014-08-12T20:23:50.424+01:00Like a glittering prize<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6nqkhVQRXOzfFUPMHMIZjsstetpMazJM2uIXqN-CkBrVDBdESM8ecyNhwwAIps7iC_qCLTOm1cFTGrhzorCff_WyWBDqf9OlSJTnFdb6iSH-pbzF2WWo1iEm8veY8Q08fyeTomYapX1Se/s1600/cardboardrosette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6nqkhVQRXOzfFUPMHMIZjsstetpMazJM2uIXqN-CkBrVDBdESM8ecyNhwwAIps7iC_qCLTOm1cFTGrhzorCff_WyWBDqf9OlSJTnFdb6iSH-pbzF2WWo1iEm8veY8Q08fyeTomYapX1Se/s1600/cardboardrosette.jpg" height="200" width="143" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Why isn’t recycling a competitive sport? Yes, I know we shouldn’t
need external reward; we are supposed to be motivated solely by a warm
self-righteous feeling. That used to work for me; I’d ostentatiously
recycle the Guardian, secure in the belief that I was offsetting the
hundreds of long-haul flights taken by politicians attending environment
conferences in interesting places.<br />
I’m so over that now. The thrill of putting out plastic Matey
bubble-bath bottles for its own sake has dulled. Prizes would help
reinvigorate the whole process, and create an upswing in the amount and
quality of everyone’s recycling, and help save this whole goddamn planet
of ours. I’d certainly not have chucked that hard-to-clean Nutella jar
in the dustbin if there’d been points at stake.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
I suspect that my idea will eventually lead to a major award, presented
by David Attenborough. But I’m just going to focus for now on the
recycling competition categories I think I’d do well in. Let’s start
with those Matey bottles, the ones in the form of a sailor, pirate, or
mermaid. Or the rarer parrot. Our house is the world’s archive for those
bottles. I have probably singlehandedly made a whole fleet of
politicians’ aeroplanes, if planes are made from recycled plastic, how
would I know, out of Matey bottles. Yet I just looked in the bathroom
and we still have fourteen. I will put them out this week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
I am also a dab hand at getting shot of important papers that look like
rubbish. Was it Tolstoy whose maid used his manuscript for kindling? Or
Samuel Johnson? I get those long-hand pen guys a bit muddled. But
anyway, I am in that maid’s league. Members of my family are always
saying, “Has anyone seen that phone bill/homework/decree nisi that I
left on the table?” Then they have the cheek to complain as I quietly
retrieve said document from the paper box. Only a few times has it been
actively too late, the little Trumpton recycling truck being too far
away to run after.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
The big trophy, of course, will come for my natural talents in the
cardboard category. “There’s no more room,” less serious competitors
might say, on seeing a bag overflowing with cereal packets. They might
even consider a supplementary bag – usually a plastic one from Waitrose,
but sometimes a paper bag, as if that makes it better. They have
already lost. Stand back, I will say. Let an expert through. One time,
we missed a recycling collection, and nonetheless the following week I still managed to cram all the cardboard into the one bag. I
squeezed toilet roll tubes into places the bag didn’t even know it had
places. When I held the bag upside down and banged its bottom, nothing
budged. I reckon that effort alone will make up for any UK politicians
who are jetting off to the forthcoming climate change summit in New
York.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>Beth Miller. </i></span><i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><i>Published in Viva Lewes July 2014, and in vivalewes.com.</i></i> Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a>.</span><br />
</i><br />
<i><br /></i>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-79527447113599492172014-06-13T22:09:00.001+01:002014-06-13T22:09:31.324+01:00To the lighthouse, my friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3tgpXm7BUa_dvNYuQpMh7i0qtaYdiAZJM3Zyqg9Vej-YlJxCFz14oJuWBJcNXLhCLTwS73FELFmwa_R_yPTilrMKvbJdjrT6jNIiBJuuGeqWbn4YpfG2mkFni3bAjeWVfgLvovVHa3r_w/s1600/charlestn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3tgpXm7BUa_dvNYuQpMh7i0qtaYdiAZJM3Zyqg9Vej-YlJxCFz14oJuWBJcNXLhCLTwS73FELFmwa_R_yPTilrMKvbJdjrT6jNIiBJuuGeqWbn4YpfG2mkFni3bAjeWVfgLvovVHa3r_w/s1600/charlestn.jpg" height="200" width="157" /></a></div>
“Are you seriously planning to wear that?” Grange Girl asked, as I stepped out of the front door.<br />
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked. “Or should that be ‘them’?” I was
hoping to distract Grangey from my outfit, into a discussion about one
of her pet peeves: misuse of the English language. Specifically, the
tendency of fashion types to use the singular for plurals (eg ‘team this
with a flat shoe’ and ‘a cropped trouser’). She didn’t bite.<br />
“Go and change,” she said firmly.<br />
“But dungarees have come round again.”<br />
“I, however, have not come round to them.” She flapped her hands at me. “Shoo.”<br />
I took a closer look at my bossy chum. She was wearing a knee-length
floral skirt and a long cardigan, teamed, as Vogue might say, with a
brogue and a blue stocking. “That,” I said, pointing to her neck, and
failing to keep a raised eyebrow off my face, “is a floaty scarf.”<br />
“You could do worse than don a scarf yourself, Greenham woman.”<br />
Muttering rebelliously – since when did one have to dress up to visit a
garden? – I returned to my boudoir and put on a skirt. I don’t own any
floaty scarves, so I accessorised with my woolly Lewes FC scarf. When
she saw my new outfit Grange Girl did so dramatic an eyeroll, her
eyeballs got stuck behind her lids. I took advantage of her temporary
disability to push her in the car and drive us off on our outing.<br />
“How can you have not been to Charleston?” Grangey asked, when her vision had returned to normal. “It’s almost wilful.”<br />
“I don’t know. I’ve been to Monks House,” I offered, as a sop, but
Grangey was not mollified. She directed me along the A27, and we were
soon wandering, floatily, through the Bloomsbury blooms. I trailed a few
paces behind Grange Girl, who was now wearing a large blue hat, not
wanting people to think I was out with my mother. We took a tour round
the house, where it was Grange Girl’s turn to disown me as I
interrogated the tour guide with prurient questions about the
household’s shenanigans back in the day. The guide unembarrassedly
supplied many fascinating details, which I relayed to Grange Girl when I
caught up with her in the bedroom used by John Maynard Keynes.<br />
“Quite a narrow bed,” I pointed out, “to fit both him and Duncan Grant. Plurals in a singular.”<br />
“For heaven’s sake,” Grangey said, fanning herself with her scarf. “Do you have nothing better to think about?”<br />
“Well, they didn’t seem to, did they? If they weren’t painting on the
furniture they were panting on it, if I remember correctly from that odd
film about Dora Carrington starring Emma Thompson.”<br />
“They were writers, and artists,” Grange Girl said sniffily.<br />
“I bet Vanessa wore a dungaree to paint in,” I said.<br />
<br />
<em>Beth Miller. </em><em><i>Published in Viva Lewes June 2014, and in vivalewes.com. Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a></i></em>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-73346007168046466372014-05-15T12:25:00.000+01:002014-06-06T12:26:40.504+01:00I won’t dance, don’t ask me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwlXYjnRd4dNL4-AoijDI81SKZIyfhliQamA8Bz_M_ji6Rr5ILQJEXT1X7l4dpnt0UpI0aF5qOzroqlo-kZYIvf2i-cVGMbPVfSBjdhRY9PEXRzNbUATgbCYN8d4eCAO1qLU9Wlx2_sil-/s1600/BethcolumnMay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwlXYjnRd4dNL4-AoijDI81SKZIyfhliQamA8Bz_M_ji6Rr5ILQJEXT1X7l4dpnt0UpI0aF5qOzroqlo-kZYIvf2i-cVGMbPVfSBjdhRY9PEXRzNbUATgbCYN8d4eCAO1qLU9Wlx2_sil-/s1600/BethcolumnMay.jpg" height="188" width="200" /></a></div>
<h1>
</h1>
“Do you remember when we couldn’t eat South African oranges?”
Hoxton Mum asked me, as she picked over the citrus fruit in Waitrose.<br />
“Um, vaguely. Why?”<br />
“And remember when we had to boycott a certain company because of something to do with baby milk in Africa?”<br />
“Um, vaguely. Why?”<br />
“Well, I’ve got those same guilty feelings about the May festivals.”<br />
We moved over to the organic tomatoes. I raised an enquiring eyebrow at Hoxie, which was all she needed to expound at length.<br />
“You know I usually go to everything. But this year it’s a minefield. Do
these look vine-ripened to you? For instance, Charleston. I can’t go
see Mark Lawson because he’s under a cloud re. bullying.”<br />
“He’s not appearing now, anyway.”<br />
“Fallen on his sword, has he?” She consulted her list. “Pork sausages.
And I can’t go to Richard Dawkins because the Chief Rabbi accused him of
anti-semitism.”<br />
“Doesn’t the Chief Rabbi accuse everyone of that, including some other rabbis?”<br />
“Grayson Perry’s over-exposed, Carol Ann-Duffy is disappointingly
un-radical, and Alan Bennett’s national treasure status is surely about
to be rocked by a scandal of no-coming-back-from-it proportions.”<br />
“So much for Charleston. What’s wrong with the Brighton Festival?”<br />
“I don’t like dance.”<br />
“What, all dance?”<br />
“Yes. It’s just people wobbling about. I need Nigella seeds now. They’re named after Nigella, you know.”<br />
“They’re not. But anyway, Brighton’s not all dance, is it?”<br />
“It’s dance-heavy. And aside from that, I’ve had all the thrillingly inventive Slovenian productions of<i> The Cherry Orchard</i> I can handle.”<br />
“Fringe, then?”<br />
“Too whacky. Too much chaff, not enough wheat. Reminds me, I need bread
flour for sourdough. I refuse to take Django to one more so-called
‘children’s theatre’ in a basement in which the only suspense is which
of the under-rehearsed theatre studies students will forget their lines
first.”<br />
“We seem to have moved away from guilty feelings and political boycotts and onto more general artistic criticism.”<br />
Hoxton Mum shrugged and put eleven jars of pesto in the trolley. “We’re currently mad for mozzarella chicken with pesto.”<br />
“Glyndebourne?”<br />
“Hello? Recession? Lysander’s consultancy business is dry as the
Sahara.” She consulted the list on her iPad. “Prosecco.” She sailed off
to the booze section, leaving me trotting behind in her wake.<br />
“They sometimes have cheap standing tickets.”<br />
“I’m not standing through <i>Der Rosenkavalier</i>, thank you. To be honest,” she whispered, looking round to see who was nearby, “I wouldn’t sit through it, either.”<br />
We reached the checkout. “Looks like May’s going to be a quiet month for you, then.”<br />
“Not at all,” she said, pulling out numerous Bags for Life from her
handbag, “I’m intending to shop local and give my patronage to the
marvellous Battle of Lewes celebrations.”<br />
“Re-enactments? Plays about military strategy? Won’t you feel bad
celebrating the suffering of all those people who were killed or injured
in the battle?”<br />
Hoxton Mum bagged up her pesto and gave me a withering look. “That’s just silly,” she said.<br />
<br />
<i>Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes May 2014, and in vivalewes.com. Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a> </i>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-64538143110402216492014-04-11T12:19:00.000+01:002014-06-23T12:26:44.461+01:00You’ll be the grandest fella in the Easter parade<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpbj3uBClNtc0xbphMEqaHqmXlVjsVyBhs4tjBIDCUuv-dq3zpKi-NC5gyOSIgqQ_PQnaD3lo8gluVDct3US-ZAJ037smyyKKxsPC8p0g8vMEUVEujOtxbbA-rjvjRwxe3GeBu5Hp1FCa/s1600/easter+bunny+pic+Munday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpbj3uBClNtc0xbphMEqaHqmXlVjsVyBhs4tjBIDCUuv-dq3zpKi-NC5gyOSIgqQ_PQnaD3lo8gluVDct3US-ZAJ037smyyKKxsPC8p0g8vMEUVEujOtxbbA-rjvjRwxe3GeBu5Hp1FCa/s1600/easter+bunny+pic+Munday.jpg" height="200" width="170" /></a>The Easter Bunny is a rubbish figurehead, not fit to polish Santa’s
sleigh. For one thing, his (her?) image is vague. The Easter Bunny in my
head is huge and terrifying, like Harvey, the invisible six-foot rabbit
in the Jimmy Stewart film. But a highly scientific straw poll I
conducted recently, revealed Bunnies resembling Hartley Hare from
Pipkins, Bigwig from Watership Down, and the sexy Caramac bunny. Plus,
his role is unclear. Some people (such as my children’s friends, thanks a
bunch, guys), insist the rabbit brings their Easter eggs, whilst we’d
been getting on fine without chocolate input from some damn cottontail.
Santa and the tooth fairy take the credit for everything else, so I
tried to resist. But last year the pressure got to me, so I put cutesy
notes from the E.B. on the eggs. The children gamely humoured me,
proving you can’t suddenly introduce a meddling bunny tradition without
getting royally patronised by your kids.<br />
<br />
Nothing about Easter is properly organised. The administrator is clearly
one of those jaded types who does their online shop in work time. Take
the timing of egg eating. Regardless of who brings them, it’s just
chaos. Some wait till after Good Friday, others scoff the lot as soon as
schools break up. Man of the House tries to insist on restraint till
Easter Sunday, unless we spend four hours at a vigil mass. Others simply
confiscate the eggs and put them on a high shelf for safe-eating, I
mean safe-keeping.<br />
<br />
Easter, in short, is no Christmas. Everyone knows what they’re meant to
do at Christmas: make passive-aggressive remarks about their presents,
and eat until they’re so log-jammed they’re pushing roast potatoes in
with a plunger. Who knows what you’re meant to do at Easter? Sure,
religious people have plenty to be getting on with – palms and stations
of the cross – while Pagans have their tabloid-friendly fertility rites.
But the rest of us have no fixed roles. All that’s on offer, really, is
blowing egg out so you can decorate the shell (no-one has ever done
this successfully, I don’t believe you), and standing around aimlessly
on low hills, watching small children sob because their badly-decorated
eggs have only rolled a couple of feet. And that’s not even an annual
thing; people only ever go to an egg-rolling event once.<br />
<br />
In an attempt to scaffold some structure round this imprecise holiday,
I’m introducing some Easter customs into my household. Telly – Easter
Parade (like the Wizard of Oz, it stars Judy Garland). Game – egg
jarping. This is conkers played with hard-boiled eggs, with nice clear
rules, as determined by the World Egg Jarping Association (look it up,
doubter). Eat – chocolate. C’mon, let’s not mess with success. Gifts –
chocolate. This is where Easter has the potential to outclass Christmas,
if it only had better PR. No need to stress about what gifts to buy,
it’s choccie eggs all round. Just leave the bunny out of it.<br />
<br />
<i>Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes April 2014, and vivalewes.com. Illustration by <a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a>.</i>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-85444349335691045162014-03-30T11:30:00.000+01:002014-06-23T12:23:57.655+01:00I'm a bad mutha<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWWXYy9Kvhl6Nqx0YwHc-8kGDRDeGUtudS_HuVmgb-qcCGcGAtydKHBM33vmS7l291vqPd-D9j_duj6h3PPTNNBiRKR4air62Irt56-2s4L9MBSqhWdQkqcKwsUSR33wzxWMm-zAUiMvmG/s1600/beth_michael_muday_march-256x350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWWXYy9Kvhl6Nqx0YwHc-8kGDRDeGUtudS_HuVmgb-qcCGcGAtydKHBM33vmS7l291vqPd-D9j_duj6h3PPTNNBiRKR4air62Irt56-2s4L9MBSqhWdQkqcKwsUSR33wzxWMm-zAUiMvmG/s1600/beth_michael_muday_march-256x350.jpg" height="200" width="146" /></a></div>
“Last year,” said Honesty Girl, “I made the mistake of saying that just a card would be lovely.”<br />
I guess we all do things out of character sometimes.<br />
She continued, “You know how that Tiger Mother once rejected a card
made by her four-year-old, yelling, ‘I deserve better than this?’ and
throwing it at her?”<br />
I indicated that I remembered, by making a ‘yes, isn’t she dreadful face.’<br />
“I thought she was remarkably restrained.”<br />
I adjusted my face appropriately. “Sounds like last Mother’s Day was one to remember.”<br />
“Blood bath.” Honesty Girl shuddered.<br />
“There are such a lot of expectations, aren’t there?” murmured Supermum, gently.<br />
“Yes, I have,” said Honesty Girl, possibly mishearing, “and this year I
am making my requirements crystal clear, with a list issued three weeks
ahead of time.”<br />
“What’s on it?” I asked.<br />
She whipped out a
notebook and consulted it. “Lie-in till eleven. Breakfast in bed. I have
specified the breakfast menu, shall I read it?”<br />
“No,” we chorused.<br />
She flipped through a couple of pages. “Section 2: cards and presents.
If homemade, I need to see evidence of effort. I do not need any more
clay ornaments. I am all sorted for ineptly-folded pieces of card
scrawled with faded yellow felt-tip, which, as I have mentioned before,
does not show up well on white. I am no longer accepting gifts made from
cereal packets or toilet roll inserts, nor will I give house room to
any more macaroni pictures.”<br />
Supermum and I took a sharp intake of breath at the macaroni diss.<br />
“Acceptable homemade gifts are mosaic tiles, bookmarks which don’t
feature yellow on white, and small papier-maché pots if they’re sturdy
enough to put earrings in.”<br />
I didn’t know whether to be appalled or impressed, a dichotomy I also experience when reading about the Tiger Mother.<br />
“Next, my flower and chocolate specifications.”<br />
“You’re asking for flowers as well as a homemade gift?” asked Supermum, agog.<br />
“Yes, and a proper present too, like a DVD or bracelet or car.”<br />
“Isn’t that a bit…”<br />
“Excuse me, but WHOSE day is it?” boomed Honesty Girl. “The clue is in the name. It’s MY day. I is the mutha.”<br />
Supermum and I looked at each other over the rims of our teacups. “So
what have you ‘suggested’ to your family for the rest of the day?” I
asked.<br />
Honesty Girl inspected her list again. “They take me out to
lunch – here are five restaurant suggestions – and in the afternoon they
all clear out, leaving me to a binge-watch of the <i>Real Housewives of Orange County</i>, accompanied by a large packet of Doritos.”<br />
“What about your own mother?” asked Supermum. “Don’t you give her a call or take her out to lunch?”<br />
Honesty Girl frowned. “That woman’s had all the papier-maché pots out
of me that she’s going to get.” She gave an evil smile. “But I might
just scrawl her a card.”<br />
<br />
<i>Beth Miller. Picture by </i><i><i><a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a></i>. Published in Viva Lewes magazine, March 2014, and in vivalewes.com</i>Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-63216358423963697742014-02-03T15:13:00.000+00:002014-06-23T12:25:07.504+01:00Yeah, we like pancakes<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="background: white; color: #545559; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"></span>Last February I was surprised to get a text from Hoxton Mum
inviting me to a ‘Pancake Day Party.’ Was this a thing now? Mind you, Hoxie does
have previous on extracting festive <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>occasions out of less common celebratory days.
Who can forget her Maundy Thursday extravaganza of 2008, for instance? Some of
us would like to.
<br />
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I was supportive of her giving Pancake Day an extra push,
because I rate it as the third best holiday, after Halloween (which is all
about sweeties) and Mother’s Day (which legitimises monstrous demands regarding
lie-ins and pampering). Pancake Day is great because you know in advance what
you’re having for supper, so no tedious mucking about going, ‘What do you
want?’ ‘Dunno.’ ‘Pasta?’ ‘Yeah OK.’ Also, supper is effectively just a lot of dessert.</div>
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The pancake party began with each of us being given our own
jug of batter and a turn at the Aga. ‘So we can all have our pancakes just how
we like them,’ cried our hostess. Way to spin getting your guests to cook for
themselves, Hoxie. She leaned on the Rayburn rail, swigging Waitrose Rioja, clearly
on a later glass than the first one, bantering with the guest/cooks (‘that one looks
a bit crepe, hahaha’). As my turn came to step up to the hob, I realised I’d never
cooked, or crucially, tossed, a pancake before. Those are tasks I tend to delegate
to Man of the House. </div>
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‘Ooh,’ Hoxie slurred, as I poured batter experimentally into
the pan, ‘I see you like them nice and thick.’ Her elbow slipped off the rail.
I felt apprehensive, because I knew I would soon have to try and flip this
molten mess into the air. Several other guests were eating smugly and saying, ‘pancakes
are brilliant, why don’t we have them more often?’ Everyone always says this, once
a year.</div>
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Django came up to ask his mother for the Nutella.</div>
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‘Anything other than sugar and lemon is verboten, Django.’
Clearly the edict about having our pancakes just how we like them only went so
far.</div>
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‘I want Nutella.’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Philistine.’ (She said it more like ‘phishistine.’) </div>
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‘He’s just a kid, Hoxie,’ I butted in, hoping to distract
her so I could sneakily turn my pancake over with a fish-slice. </div>
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‘Age is no barrier to phishistinishm.’ </div>
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‘Wahhh!’</div>
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‘Django, put that Nutella down…’</div>
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In the ensuring kerfuffle – Nutella is messy stuff - I got
my pancake/scrambled egg out onto a plate. I quickly ate it before anyone saw, and
was too embarrassed to try and make any more. I threw down a couple of glasses
of wine to fill in the remaining time. </div>
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When I got home, the beginnings of a not-enough-food hangover
clearly visible on my brow, Man of the House reported that he’d made the
children ten highly successful pancakes each. ‘I could whip up some more
batter,’ he said. He is a kind man. ‘No, you’re all right,’ I told him. ‘I’ll
just have some pasta.’</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes magazine, February 2014. Picture by <i><a href="http://www.michaelmunday.co.uk/" target="_blank">Michael Munday</a></i></div>
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Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-37238053421085726692013-12-19T15:46:00.000+00:002014-01-05T15:53:55.092+00:00Dance upon your sarnie<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaZX3n2etNwb2VlRGSmLAOP3InAFj-0nMos3x8jcenoWf0yI5TU2B3joR7Xr-6bfMFiPUsfLaa_fyU0DTo1M_MWkWumveu7X7kiTiyDaFNHqbr9kr9EFkKqUceKEtaT576Ti9G5vAUDbzD/s1600/beth-304x255.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaZX3n2etNwb2VlRGSmLAOP3InAFj-0nMos3x8jcenoWf0yI5TU2B3joR7Xr-6bfMFiPUsfLaa_fyU0DTo1M_MWkWumveu7X7kiTiyDaFNHqbr9kr9EFkKqUceKEtaT576Ti9G5vAUDbzD/s200/beth-304x255.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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While out for a wintry walk recently, the talk turned to our
expectations of the large afternoon tea we were planning to conclude with. Well,
I say ‘the talk turned,’ but actually it was all we talked about.</div>
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‘Chocolate cake, obvs,’ said Honesty Girl. <o:p></o:p></div>
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‘A freshly-baked scone,’ said Sweary Mary, ‘and no-one
better blimmin’ tell me I’m putting on the cream and jam in the wrong order’
(this with a hard stare at me. It’s jam first, people. Jam first).<o:p></o:p></div>
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‘Some kind of sponge cake,’ Sherpa Sal said. ‘Followed by half
a scone, with butter, then jam, then cream.’<o:p></o:p></div>
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‘Cake first?!’ we all yelled. And ‘Butter?!’ <o:p></o:p></div>
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Sweary Mary spoke for us all: ‘You don’t need butter if
you’re having blinkin’ cream.’<o:p></o:p></div>
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‘I do,’ said Sal calmly. She takes enough exercise to
counteract the chlorestoral, I suppose. And in her defence, at least she puts on
the jam and cream in the right order.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As for me, all I could think about were the finger
sandwiches. I adore them. I find sandwiches which aren’t finger-shaped
disappointing, and as most sandwiches can’t be bothered to be anything but
triangles or oblongs I am disappointed a lot. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It was quite cold and muddy on the walk, so by the time we
stumbled into Badgers Tea Room in Alfriston, my mind was just one big finger
sandwich. Badgers fancies itself as dainty, so it requests that you remove
muddy footwear, or put blue plastic bags (supplied) over your boots. It also
has a sign saying that it welcomes ‘well-behaved children’ so naturally there
weren’t any children in the place; no parent knows what a ‘well-behaved child’
actually looks like in the eyes of a tearoom proprietor, but we all suspect
that only a gagged and immobile one will be acceptable. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I plastic-ed my boots, reasoning that this slightly tedious
chore was just bringing me closer to a plate of f.s. Don’t worry, I did get
them: while dramatic tension is all very well when writing about trivial
matters such as love, betrayal and death, it is not suitable for something as
important as the finger sandwich.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We sat next to a roaring fire, and ordered with the
abandonment of people who have walked a long way while discussing food. The
finger sandwiches were magnificent: egg mayo –gotta have egg mayo – smoked
salmon, tuna, and cucumber. Badgers was so good, there wasn’t even the
inevitable rogue sandwich: sometimes it’s an indefinable paste, sometimes a boring
one, like cheddar. I can’t remember when I was happier, scoffing the sandwiches
and Sherpa Sal’s spare half-scone, and criticising Sweary Mary for her layering
technique. Finger sandwiches are truly the foodstuffs of heaven. I went home
determined to start making them all the time, all with different fillings, but
at lunch next day I just chucked a tin of tuna onto a piece of bread as usual, and
lived with the residual disillusionment.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Published in VivaLewes.com. Picture by Katie Moorman</div>
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Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-35509252298305136952013-11-14T11:18:00.000+00:002013-11-26T16:42:08.678+00:00See the red and green displays: Just 58 more shopping days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7UQauVbMo7Md_8nqzxOe6E3WGq30pxBFAO6GFRShANeUotXn4PjNTCHXxk4M917lWq_PDDYSwHy_TVRLr1mylKoRm-uhcC468FN76YLO8onPg325TB5IxhMwdjnCX0ZPD03ZsSjniwnpi/s1600/wrapping_paper-284x239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7UQauVbMo7Md_8nqzxOe6E3WGq30pxBFAO6GFRShANeUotXn4PjNTCHXxk4M917lWq_PDDYSwHy_TVRLr1mylKoRm-uhcC468FN76YLO8onPg325TB5IxhMwdjnCX0ZPD03ZsSjniwnpi/s200/wrapping_paper-284x239.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Schools go back: tick. Hallowe’en: tick. Bonfire: tick. And then, wham, it’s straight onto the figgy-pudding-holly-tinsel-O-little-town rollercoaster. Still, the annual ‘I can’t believe they’ve got their decorations up already it’s not yet bloody December’ conversation is a welcome change to discussing how enjoyable/ruined Bonfire is without rookies.</span></div>
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<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;"><br /></span><span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">If only we had Thanksgiving, to prevent Christmas from getting off the starting blocks too early. Mind you, Thanksgiving sounds like a nightmare-ish prequel to Chrismas, what with having to eat turkey, watch terrible telly, and hang out with your family, but with no presents to take the edge off.</span></div>
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<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;"><br /></span><span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">Why Christmas creeps up on me unawares every year is a mystery - it’s not like there aren’t any announcements – but on the other hand, it does keep it fresh. If I didn’t have my traditional mid-November crisis, triggered by a full-body recoil from the display of mince pies at the entrance to Waitrose, I would hardly feel festive at all. In Cheese Please the other day, the lady told me that many customers have already ordered their Christmas hampers, and put in their Yuletide Stilton orders. Who are these people, and how can I become them? </span></div>
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<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">I’m not a leave-it-till-Christmas-Eve type, but neither am I brushing my hands together in an ‘all done’ gesture in July. I seem constitutionally unable to get it together till the start of December, by which time the combined forces of telly, shops and other people make me panic. Out of that panic has come a kind of system, which I will share for those of you who haven’t yet sorted your cheese orders.</span></div>
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<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;"><br /></span><span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">1. Never throw any scraps of paper away on which you have made lists. (For one thing, the Getty Institute will buy them when you’re famous.)<br /></span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">2. (Relates to 1): Find last year’s list of the people you sent Christmas cards to.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">3. Cross off anyone who has died recently. Now you have your Christmas card list.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">4. Buy cards and wrap in the Cards for Good Causes shop.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">5. Go to late night shopping with Grange Girl. Write down everything she buys from the list she made in July. Drink free mulled wine while you wait for her to pay.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">6. The day after late night shopping, go round the shops – they’ll be a lot quieter now – and buy everything Grange Girl bought. You can work out who gets what at a later date. Get three of everything, because you know more people than she does. (Grangey claims to know just five people.)</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">7. Ask the lady in Cheese Please what the most popular Christmas order is. Copy it.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">8. Go into Harveys or Symposium and order as much booze as you can afford.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">9. Use some of the items in 8 to get you through one solid evening of binge-wrapping.</span><br />
<span data-mce-style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: medium;" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">10. All done. You’re welcome. If you want to buy me a thank you present, I’m fond of cheese.</span></div>
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<em>Beth Miller. Published in VivaLewes.com</em></div>
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Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-51259197417427874632013-10-17T16:31:00.000+01:002013-11-26T16:32:28.886+00:00I'm building a wall, a fine wall<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDzr1W7k4pUuCv3FAUKaL979YSitASUrX3G7LoE4iLhlP_XfLCcS4AAiHzGwG266L_Q0h9iYyJ0wv0QXeRxlTHIrvaFHdDCqLdpUPpfsLiyCknY32d1_6QxylL1pGJUV2TLhzETLpiPGax/s1600/beth-column-284x213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDzr1W7k4pUuCv3FAUKaL979YSitASUrX3G7LoE4iLhlP_XfLCcS4AAiHzGwG266L_Q0h9iYyJ0wv0QXeRxlTHIrvaFHdDCqLdpUPpfsLiyCknY32d1_6QxylL1pGJUV2TLhzETLpiPGax/s200/beth-column-284x213.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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There comes a point in the cycle of life when talk turns from the extraordinary price of houses, to the extraordinary rules laid down by the planning department (whose office in Southover Road, incidentally, is having a refit. I hope they got planning permission. And I hope they won’t replace the friendly automatic doors which open invitingly whenever you walk past).</div>
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<br />Yes, this point in life (aka middle-age), is when you may decide to Get The Builders In. You stop asking friends for the number of their mechanic or divorce lawyer, and start demanding their plasterer instead. It costs a lot, in time, money and emotion, to hand over your sanctuary to a bunch of burly chaps with hammers. Builders are aware of that, and humbled by it. So in return, they give you one of the greatest gifts one human can give another. They give you the gift of story.</div>
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<br />Builders’ tales are an art form*. I believe no other profession does this so well. Say to a mechanic, for instance, that since they changed the oil, your car now indicates left when you press for right; or tell your divorce lawyer that your soon-to-be-ex has emptied the off-shore account you were promised they’d never find; and you will not get very interesting replies. The mechanic will say, yeah, your car’s a wrecked old crock. And the lawyer will say, uh-huh, by the way you owe me twenty grand. Dull, see? But complain about anything to a builder*, and you can just settle back into a comfy velvet seat and crack open the popcorn. Here are three recent ones I’ve heard about (none of them are Lewes builders, of course). They are true.</div>
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*Disclaimer: not all builders.</div>
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Client: “This is a bit shoddy, could you go over it?”<br />Painter: “You’re right, my mind’s not on the job. My daughter’s just gone to prison and my wife’s left me.”<br />Client: “Tell you what, I’ll paint it myself.”</div>
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Client: “I didn’t realise this would take so long.”<br />Plasterer: “It shouldn’t have, but this ceiling is the worst I’ve ever had to deal with. You won’t believe what I found in there. Also I’ve had a horrific week with nerve problems in my head.”<br />Client: “Ok, sorry. Cup of tea?”</div>
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Builder: (Glancing at the rubble that was once a kitchen) “I can’t come next week as I’m looking after the kids. My wife’s away.”<br />Client: “Ok, that seems reasonable.” (Starts to turn away)<br />Builder: “Yes, a friend of ours is an alcoholic. So we’ve heard about this rehab place in Venezuela.”<br />Client: “There’s nothing nearer?” (popping straw into extra-large Fanta)<br />Builder: “I don’t know. So my wife’s got to take him to the airport, he thinks they’re going for a meal, then they’ll get on a plane to Caracas.”<br />Client: ?!<br />Builder: “She’s got to make sure he stays, you see.”<br />Client: (Opens a bag of pick-and-mix sweeties.)<br />Builder: “So I’ll put the walls back when they’re home.”</div>
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<em> Beth Miller. Published in VivaLewes.com</em></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-12741999579881008222013-10-07T14:06:00.000+01:002013-10-07T14:09:06.265+01:00He always beat me at Subbuteo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifTx-0oGlobP9EQCN4_7Al48IBvLjSzMFkH3wNLK_WXQWMjcWALGuS5hpKpSFh3UEKIqcd3nDqh0s9IPazUBCitG2ia8ChERQbZCR64IOJfgqcs08b6tmwiD3yVOL7xcBj4D_ZglEjCVEB/s1600/clarkes_biz_news-420x255.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="121" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifTx-0oGlobP9EQCN4_7Al48IBvLjSzMFkH3wNLK_WXQWMjcWALGuS5hpKpSFh3UEKIqcd3nDqh0s9IPazUBCitG2ia8ChERQbZCR64IOJfgqcs08b6tmwiD3yVOL7xcBj4D_ZglEjCVEB/s200/clarkes_biz_news-420x255.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Toys!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes, toys!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Far as the eye can see!<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Okay,” said Country Mouse, “so there’s still nowhere in town
to buy an ordinary pair of socks. But… TOYS!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The new Clarkes Stationers – don’t let the stationery part
of its name fool you – has arisen from the ashes of Clinton’s Cards (which I
still miss). Downstairs there’s some reasonably-priced stationery that would
have been exciting had Paperchase not stolen its thunder. But upstairs… oh
upstairs! Follow me up the stairs to a proper toy shop: Playmobil, Lego, board
games, practical jokes, dolls, the lot. A whole Saturday afternoon can be
whiled away up there if you have small children, or even if you don’t but just
like toys and don’t look too creepy. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Right,” said Aging Lad, whose interest in these kind of
toys is minimal, “If we can get a toy shop we can get the other things we so
sorely need.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Socks,” said Country Mouse, obsessively.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Sushi,” said Hoxton Mum, inevitably.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“An independent electrical shop that is willing to fix
broken toasters and has a big box of spare springs that cost 35p each,” said
Grange Girl, who is nothing if not specific in her demands.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“A Topman,” said Aging Lad.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Any men’s clothing chain – Gap, H&M, anywhere that
doesn’t sell tweed caps in fact,” added Born and Bred Boy. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“A French bistro serving hearty rustic suppers, like they
used to have in Paris back in the 20 franc ‘menu de jour’ days,” said Sherpa
Sal unrealistically.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Skylark is great of course, but a bigger bookshop would be
terrific,” said Village Postmistress, who was en route to her ‘quit smoking’
classes at the Phoenix Centre.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“A shop that sells ethnic food, like Taj in Brighton,” said
Eco Dad.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was most odd the way everyone I’ve ever known kept
passing by, seemingly for no other purpose than to add their own suggestions. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Marks & Spencers, for flip’s sake,” cried Sweary Mary.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yes, with a food hall please,” panted Absent-Minded Girl,
running past on her way to a forgotten appointment.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“McDonalds,” said Pells Boy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ah. Hang on a minute.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“KFC. Burger King,” he continued. The rest of us fell
silent. “A much bigger Tescos. A pound shop. A cheap hotel like a Premier Inn,
for instance where the old magistrates court is.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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No-one said anything for a while. Then we all quietly
dispersed. I don’t know where the others went, but I popped back to Clarkes to
buy some Top Trumps. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>Beth Miller. Published
in VivaLewes.com. Photo by Katie Moorman<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-23259513786072650952013-09-05T12:03:00.000+01:002013-09-05T12:03:27.063+01:00I want to ride it where I like<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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“It’s just like the Scarlet Pimpernel.”<br />“It’s not in the least.”<br />“Yes, it is. They seek him here, they seek him there, his clothes are loud, but never square.”<br />“That’s not the Scarlet Pimpernel, that’s the lyrics to <em>Dedicated Follower of Fashion</em>.”<br />“Is not.”<br />“Is.”</div>
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<br />I was quite enjoying the bickering between Born and Bred Boy and Absent Minded Girl. My head was swivelling from one to the other, like I was watching Billie Jean King wiping the floor with Bobby Riggs. Except here, in Café Nero, the battle of the sexes was reversed; AM Girl was losing, on the grounds of incorrect usage of a Scarlet Pimpernel analogy.</div>
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<br />“So what’s the Pimpernel’s spiel then?” she demanded of me.<br />“I believe it’s: ‘We seek him here, we seek him there, those Frenchies seek him everywhere.’”<br />“See? Practically the same. Pimple totally plagiarised the Kinks.”<br />“Look, there are two reasons why the Scarlet Pimpernel is a red herring,” said Boy. “First, he was elusive, which is the exact opposite of omnipresent. And second, he was not a bicycle.”<br />“You are just nit-picking now.”</div>
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<br />I felt the time had come for me to step in with a carefully worded intervention. “What the flippety flip are you two on about?”<br />“That gold bike that advertises the tattoo parlour.”<br />“You never know where it’s going to pop up.”<br />“Just like the Scarlet Pimpernel, in fact,” cried AM Girl.<br />“No!” yelled Boy. “How many more times? The Scarlet Pimpernel was not easy to find. Whereas that bike is all over the place. One minute it’s on the corner of Grange Road…”<br />“…the next, it’s chained to the railings on the Phoenix Causeway.”<br />“I’ve seen it,” I said, “outside Nationwide.”</div>
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<br />AM Girl’s phone made a noise like a whoopee cushion. “Makes me laugh every time,” she said, and started replying to her text.<br />“Apparently this is called ‘phubbing’,” I told Boy, knowing he would find this neologism infuriating. “It stands for ‘phone snubbing.’ It’s when someone starts looking at their phone when they’re in the middle of a conversation with you.”<br />“Were we in the middle of a conversation?” murmured AM Girl, texting busily.<br />“This bloody awful modern world,” railed Boy, waving his skinny soy latte around irritably. “If my old ma was here, she would make YOU” – meaning Absent Minded Girl – “put your phone in the high cupboard; she’d make YOU” - me - “wash your mouth out for saying ‘phubbing,’ and if she knew there was a tattoo parlour in Lewes, well, I can’t even begin to imagine.”</div>
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<br />“Anyway,” I said, discreetly tugging down my sleeve so that Boy wouldn’t comment on my Celtic warrior armband design, “where is the tattoo place?”<br />“Opposite the station,” he replied. We both looked at him, and he continued, less confidently, “I’ve, uh, looked in at the window a couple of times.”<br />AM Girl’s phone farted again, but she ignored it. “Are you thinking of getting a…”<br />“Certainly not,” said Boy, going as scarlet as, well, a pimpernel.</div>
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<em>Beth Miller. Published in VivaLewes.com</em></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-5727055717403057652013-07-11T12:14:00.000+01:002013-08-13T12:26:51.644+01:00If I had a photograph of you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmEMHnkRNhABISHVGQXmXfKLaR6NxnBYWzd_Jvbhbd1wZqMxIcJWNeMAhSORmo5t0GL4M5imhWLWcHZehJZdeS5Oyhy8nqn9Hr3_FTgt7LnX5sktF0y7kq5kg0cyYfZjgYU6zhoxnuEd0a/s1600/450px-Lewes_Priory_cross_view.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmEMHnkRNhABISHVGQXmXfKLaR6NxnBYWzd_Jvbhbd1wZqMxIcJWNeMAhSORmo5t0GL4M5imhWLWcHZehJZdeS5Oyhy8nqn9Hr3_FTgt7LnX5sktF0y7kq5kg0cyYfZjgYU6zhoxnuEd0a/s200/450px-Lewes_Priory_cross_view.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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Grange Girl and I were sitting on the grass atop the Priory ruins, trying to imagine the park covered by an enormous festival. At present it was just us and a seagull.<br />“Do you know what I’m most looking forward to about the Mumfords thingy?” Grangey asked, taking out a sandwich wrapped in grease-proof paper. The seagull cocked his head expectantly.<br />“Um, going to sleep early as usual, despite the revelry yards from your window? Wait, don’t unwrap the sandwich yet, let me take a picture so I can show the kids what 1950 looked like.”<br />She raised a cynical eyebrow while I lined up my phone. “What devilment is this? A hand-held device that steals your soul…”<br />“Please don’t do the ‘new-fangled technology’ riff again, you’ve already hurt my pedometer’s feelings.”<br />“Well, honestly! A gizmo that counts your steps? This is how to tell if you’ve walked enough: when you’re ready for a nice early bed.”<br />I took a picture of her so I could show the children what 1850 looked like.<br />“So, what <i>are</i> you looking forward to re Mumfords?” I asked, unpacking my hoisin duck and endemame bean wrap.<br />“Tourists,” she murmured indistinctly through a cheese and pickle barrier.<br />“Tories? You’re saying the Mumfords will attract unprecedented numbers of Tories and you’re looking forward to that because… no, I’m going to need some help here.”<br />“Tourists, you cloth-eared clod. Probably some will be Tories, but that’s statistics for you.”<br />A middle-aged (eg slightly older than us) woman approached. She was definitely a tourist, but kept her politics to herself. After a few kind comments about our lovely town, she asked how to get to the castle. I let Grangey tell her. Directions aren’t my strong suit. I regularly turn the wrong way after leaving my own house. Nonetheless, people always ask me the way, perhaps working on the same principle as that which compels cats to seek the laps of the allergic. I have often inadvertently sent tourists into a perpetual loop round the one-way system. Some may still be there.<br />After receiving the Grangey instructions, complete with map coordinates, and recommendations for other sites of interest, the woman toddled off happily.<br />“See?” said Grangey, offering her crust to the seagull, who ignored it and looked at me. They have a taste for hoisin sauce, do Lewes seagulls. “This festival is a brilliant opportunity to show off our town’s many wonders. I love sharing them with new people.” She leaned against her rucksack and pulled up her thick hiking socks.<br />I said, “They ought to employ you to promote Lewes. You look like you’ve stepped out from one of those Golden Age posters.”<br />“Like this, you mean?” Grangey whipped out an iPad mini and Googled a ‘Travel by Train Today!’ image. To my incredulous look she said, “I believe I have previously mentioned that I am large and contain multitudes.” She opened a Tupperware and offered me and the seagull a hard-boiled egg. We both declined.</div>
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<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
Beth Miller. Published in VivaLewes.com. Photo taken from Wiki Commons.</div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-36710120485652852892013-06-13T12:12:00.000+01:002013-08-13T12:13:50.209+01:00If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJohQbFAIK07ZviWwSm1fq7pP29BmejKKcxFg6Sw2Gc0SP7pyYkce8Fz6jRadwyaXH5nuWempSwJ2TPN299bFEJkg1MwP1vtc5HGTYzlmxJkUwaG_n4jCVe8lC72yjuA19qi5mRa4ezn8h/s1600/2-heart-bread-382x255.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJohQbFAIK07ZviWwSm1fq7pP29BmejKKcxFg6Sw2Gc0SP7pyYkce8Fz6jRadwyaXH5nuWempSwJ2TPN299bFEJkg1MwP1vtc5HGTYzlmxJkUwaG_n4jCVe8lC72yjuA19qi5mRa4ezn8h/s200/2-heart-bread-382x255.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Why are some things so exciting? Yes, that <i>is</i> a rhetorical question. I am just
beside myself with thrills about the new food compost thing from the council.
We didn’t ask for it, didn’t even know they were planning it. They just dropped
it round like a surprise birthday gift. I
feel like rushing to Paperchase, another new source of trembling joy, to buy the
council a cute thank you card. I am willing to overlook the twenty million quid
they take off me in council tax as they have clearly spent it all on plastic
bins – good use of the money.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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We already compost fruit and veg peelings, but this takes it
to a whole new level. I don’t want to sound like that annoying trustafarian bloke
I read about recently, who was so eco he claimed to have only two bin bags of
rubbish a year (or maybe a month; the details were mired in impenetrable layers
of smug). But I can’t help peeping in our main kitchen bin occasionally (every twenty
minutes) to see how slowly it is filling up. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The leaflet accompanying the new compost bin has friendly
drawings and colourful speech bubbles. It looks rather like a missive from my regular
correspondent Mr Johnnie Boden. I am following the leaflet’s instructions to
the letter. “Hey I haven’t finished,” cry the children as I eagerly snatch
their plates away to scrape them into the caddy. Slightly stale bread that
would once have been toasted can now be chucked away with no guilt. Hmm, seeing
that written that down gives me slight pause.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even more amazing was the leaflet’s claim that this new
scheme “…can help you save money on your monthly shopping bill – for an average
family that’s £50 every month = £600 a year.” Hooray! I started jumping about
the kitchen planning how I was going to spend my extra 600 quid (buying more
food, obviously), when Man of the House rained on my parade. “How exactly does
composting save you £50 a month?” he harrumphed from behind his newspaper. Ooh
he is a party pooper sometimes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Because you… because it… because they….” I visibly
deflated. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“In fact,” Man went on, twisting the knife, “bearing in mind
your new strategy to chuck out perfectly good bread, this is actually going to cost
us money.” He was still sore from having to make toast with completely fresh
bread.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I refused to believe that my new Johnnie Boden-type friends
at the council would tell me a fib, so I re-read the leaflet to find out the
source of the £600 saving. It was on page one: “We also want your household to
save around £50 a month by cutting down on the food you throw away.” Oh. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I took the stale bread out of the compost bin, wiped it
down, toasted it, and gave it to Man. He kindly said the faint residue of leftover
pasta sauce and mouldy lettuce gave it a certain excitement lacking in usual toast.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Beth Miller, published in VivaLewes.com and Viva Lewes magazine, July 2013. Photo by Sue Fasquelle</div>
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Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-83851027340492090552013-05-28T21:08:00.000+01:002013-06-04T21:09:56.129+01:00She sits among the cabbages and peas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4Grbns-DnP8LrsimBc10JEhf4Gc5LoYIP1IpUc0kT006s5uKWIZZ0mOucjvM96gtKZNwJ1KpP-wJLR8CgILBweMQ0KDcD0C4rxyiMk9t6tqhjxyRBGNHQbPXsqZr3z8TmOmkT4fTsjOK/s1600/landshare.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="98" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4Grbns-DnP8LrsimBc10JEhf4Gc5LoYIP1IpUc0kT006s5uKWIZZ0mOucjvM96gtKZNwJ1KpP-wJLR8CgILBweMQ0KDcD0C4rxyiMk9t6tqhjxyRBGNHQbPXsqZr3z8TmOmkT4fTsjOK/s200/landshare.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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So it looks like – she said quietly, not wanting to
antagonise Ullr, Norse god of winter – that spring has finally sprung. There is
more blue in the sky than grey; that patch of weeds in the park turns out to be
bluebells; and the bird song sounds slightly less panicky. Pale trembling
people are slowly emerging, blinking in the unfamiliar sunlight like
post-hibernation hedgehogs. There is tentative talk of Pimm’s, and suncream,
and hayfever medication; and I saw someone take off a cardigan the other day (though
they put it back on again sharpish). I have even overheard hardy types making
plans for barbecues. In short, everything in the garden is rosy.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Or is it? Where there is harmony, may I bring discord. During
winter, when everything in the garden is unrosy, I’ll be honest with you: a
weight is lifted off my shoulders. The garden in spring and summer can
sometimes feel like one great big chore. Weeding, pruning, planting, chucking
slugs over the fence – it never ends. Then suddenly in November it all comes to
a juddering stop. It’s a bit like the house announcing, ‘Put the hoover away: I’ll
not bother gathering dust for a few months.’ It’s marvellous. I lock the back
door and forget there’s even anything out there. But just as I’ve got used to all
the unexpected free time, the garden wakes up with a Zebedee-like boing, and
demands attention. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Last spring I surveyed the muddy Somme that passes for a
backyard and did the math. Two small vegetable beds plus two small children
equals 26 hours a day. Hmm, think there’s something wrong with my integers
there. Then someone told me about Lewes Landshare [<a href="http://www.landshare.net/">http://www.landshare.net/</a>], which ‘connects
growers to people with land to share’ (or, had I been in charge of their
publicity, ‘connects those with time and energy to those who can’t be arsed’). That’s
just <i>so</i>
Lewes, I thought, though in fact it turns out to be a national thing. The Landshare
website was slightly tricky to navigate – like some old duffer putting her
profile on match.com I inadvertently double-posted – but soon I was getting dates,
er I mean replies. The most plausible match was a trained gardener called Horti
Culturist (ok but it should be her real name), who lived in a garden-less house
in the middle of town. Within days she had ‘turned’ the beds, ploughed in
compost, and planted little seedlings that grew up to be beans, chard, beetroot
and carrots. It was win-win: she got to grow stuff, one bit of the garden
looked nice, and she gave us surplus veg. Somewhere along the way we became
friends, and to my relief, she’s coming back this year, with plans for tomatoes
and rocket. So I don’t need to demand that Ullr prolong winter any further.
Sorry about that, by the way. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
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<i>Beth Miller. Published in VivaLewes.com and Viva Lewes magazine, June 2013<o:p></o:p></i></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-64266520878640097472013-05-01T21:03:00.000+01:002013-06-04T21:04:58.596+01:00Hoxton Mum’s May Diary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Weds 1<sup>st</sup></b><br />
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Totes excited! So
many festies, so little time. Brighton first, obvs. Lovely Mikey Rosen with his
droopy eyes and populist spin. Have found cerrr-azy sounding kids’ event for
Django, called Flathampton – culturally challenging, plus creative
participation: perfecto. And Lysander will heart the play I’ve booked for his
birthday treat: We’re All Gonna Die.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Fri 2<sup>nd</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Everything on the
Fringe sounds amazeballs, but so hard to know which will - like last year’s
one-woman monologue I Want To Be A Vicar - prompt Lysander to storm out
demanding refund. Mind you, he later made me sit through sub-Frankie Boyle ‘comedy’
show during which I was actually sick into my Chloé tote. I said, Lysander, if
I want to hear jokes about mental health problems I will jolly well make them
myself, thanks very much! Plus you owe me £1100 for new bag.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Sat 3<sup>rd</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Gutted I missed
Early Bird for Elderflowerfields. Bought Late Bird tickets, then double-gutted
to discover it’s on the same weekend as Meadowlands! When I worked at the
Battersea Arts Centre, heads would roll for such a scheduling faux pas.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Mon 6<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Trotted round town watching
the Knots of May do their bell-jangling thang. Lysander, three Harveys down, rudely
said that women Morris dancers even less enjoyable than men plus not traditional.
Was in midst of eloquent feminist retort, when Django let side down by ripping
his flower garland to shreds. Fear his
father is engendering the rigid gender roles we’d agreed Django must reject.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Thurs 9<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Woke at 3am in cold
sweat: had forgotten to book Charleston. Rushed to laptop and spent ten minutes
blinded by panic into believing that only Melvyn Bragg was left. Thank god
managed to get Joanne Harris and Audrey Niffenegger. LOVE Charleston, I will
channel Virginia by wearing long cardie. And by sleeping with my friends.
Kidding! <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Sun 19<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Got festival
survival kit ready for our Elderflower/Meadowlands weekend (we are dashing
between the two). Hunters wellies, tagine, Jo Malone room diffusers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Fri 26<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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As we were about to leave,
those male swine I live with appeared in headbands and TIE-DYE T-SHIRTS. To
complete hideous tableaux, Lysander had taught Django to roll a spliff
one-handed, and this is a child who can’t yet tie his laces. (His Geox all have
Velcro fastenings). Sent them to change and loudly pretended to call divorce lawyer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Tues 28<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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I remarked that two
festivals in one weekend sure is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Lysander retorted
that he wished the once had been twenty-five years earlier, rather than now. I
am so shattered I went to bed without removing my sparkly festival eye-shadow; face
now resembles crumpled glitter wrapping paper.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Fri 31<sup>st</sup> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Thank god I have a month
to prepare for July: Hop Farm and Love Supreme (both same weekend, thanks again,
Scheduling Fiends), and then of course lovely Mumfords. Fired up JohnLewis.com
and ordered latest essential festie must-have: portable Nespresso machine.
Totes sorted.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
Beth Miller. Published in Viva Lewes magazine, May 2013.</div>
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<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-52870901721141104432013-04-12T14:22:00.000+01:002013-05-03T14:22:51.205+01:00And it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjCpl7CXBIl08STwzyDw9OL-OoYJJtYsqrb4aqbh_JPUbFZdFWTr9Qc0WlNuP0smFQKxUbVPc1CRMe-Nf4EDWjuOQCvQMdtonsFdkzov5GVnLkkDPiqL5NVAfwN-f_MrWfr3OSSWXcjOyQ/s1600/v3_beth_00323.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjCpl7CXBIl08STwzyDw9OL-OoYJJtYsqrb4aqbh_JPUbFZdFWTr9Qc0WlNuP0smFQKxUbVPc1CRMe-Nf4EDWjuOQCvQMdtonsFdkzov5GVnLkkDPiqL5NVAfwN-f_MrWfr3OSSWXcjOyQ/s200/v3_beth_00323.jpg" width="200" /></a>Spring is here! The grass is riz! I wonder where the… oh. It’s still freezing. I wonder if one way to put a stop to this appalling, never-ending winter – other than flinging oneself on the next flight to Antigua - is to write about it. Whinging on in print about the rubbishness of the weather will surely instantly herald blazing sunshine and balmy breezes? Hmm, still raining, I see. Oh actually, that’s sleet. Let’s keep trying. “This is a very late spring indeed,” says the National Trust spokesman. No kidding, cupcake. Frogs are going back into hibernation, and who can blame them? I haven’t had a single conversation for months that didn’t revolve round fleece-lined tights. Little versions could perhaps work for frogs’ legs. And I have never before needed such a stiff drink after opening the gas bill, which was about the same amount as a flight to Antigua.</div>
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<br />For years, it never snowed. As a child I prayed hopelessly every winter for a thick layering of the cold white stuff, but my prayers went unheard; now as an adult I pray for it not to snow, and the sky chucks it down non-stop. No wonder I’m an atheist. About fifteen years ago, during the era of usually-not-snowing, it snowed briefly, and though this was considerably too late for my childhood, I hadn’t yet become jaded. Man of the House and I squeaked with excitement and dashed from our Cooksbridge home into Lewes to buy two blue plastic sledges from Homebase, or Texas as I believe it was then. Of course, the snow had already melted by the time we got home, and the sledges spent the next decade forming a crucial bottleneck in the shed, preventing us from reaching the secateurs and other tedious gardening implements. </div>
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<br />Our children have had a completely different experience. Since they’ve been sentient it has snowed pretty much every winter (and this year, in March as well). Global warming, natural climate variation, snow fairies working extra shifts, call it what you will, the kids expect snow as their birth-right. They gaze at us with disbelieving eyes when we warn them each autumn that it doesn’t always snow, that they should prepare for disappointment. Their disappointment preparation is very poor, I’m afraid; they would never get a badge in it like we 70s kids did.<br />So we’ve passed on the pristine blue sledges to the younger generation, who have a graded system of local slopes (Baxters Field, steep but crowded; Paddock, more space to build snowmen; Priory ruins, less steep, but exciting bit where you can either whizz through a gap in the wall or get concussion). This isn’t working at all because now I see the wind has got up, making the rain dance sideways. For goodness sake! I guess it is we adults who need to work on our disappointment preparation a little harder: we must get ready for there being no spring.</div>
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Beth Miller, 18th March 2013. Published in VivaLewes.com</div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8736931326120070680.post-68937389416368467222013-03-10T15:37:00.000+00:002013-03-10T15:37:51.357+00:00So tie me to a post and block my ears<br />
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Born & Bred Boy is very excited about the Mumford &
Sons festival, and not just because they have an ampersand in common. “I’ve hired
out my hard-standing to some bloke with a campervan,” he says, ticking money-making
opportunities off on his fingers. “A family is renting my spare room for two
nights. And I’m selling glow-sticks outside the gate.”</div>
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I don’t know whether to be impressed or horrified by his
entrepreneurship. “Don’t you need a licence, Boy? But otherwise, you know, well
done, very Apprentice and all that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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He “pshaws” at my concerns. “Licence to print money, you
mean. People who’ve paid £75 for their kid’s ticket are hardly going to balk at
bunging them a glow-stick for two quid.” His eyes are alight with dollar signs,
like Scrooge McDuck. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Grange Girl’s festival priorities are different. She’s been
staying in every night, hunched by an overheating Spotify, to familiarise
herself with the entire Mumford back catalogue. She’s nearly mastered that
folksy spiritual facial expression she’s gonna need to fit in with the hardcore
fans down the Convent Field. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I must confess that I hadn’t even heard of Mumford &
Sons until their Lewes tour was announced, and even then, when I heard their name
I initially thought they were a BBC sitcom, in the Open All Hours mould. Though
why would a sitcom need a tour? Actually it’s rather a good idea, must see if
Born & Bred Boy fancies backing it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ah, there was a time – specifically 1982 – when I knew not only
every band in the top twenty, and the words to their songs, but also the names
of all the band members, AND was very clear about which band member was the
most fanciable (often not the one marketed as such – for instance in Madness I
preferred Chris Foreman, while in the Human League it was Joanne Catherall). Looking
at Mumford & Sons I suspect one is meant to go for Marcus Mumford, and
apparently the lovely Carey Mulligan has done so, but surely the pin-up money
is on the other one, the one with nice teeth? It was reassuring to know that
Grange Girl wasn’t familiar with Mumford’s oeuvre either, but being Grangey,
she wasn’t going to just wing it. Be Thorough Even If Wrong is her family motto.
I, on the other hand, was planning to wing it proper. Only uncool people sing
along at concerts, is the way I see it, so why bother knowing the songs in
advance? But of course I was going to be there. What, miss the biggest thing to
hit Lewes since Waitrose arrived? And more to the point, miss a festival that’s
a five minute walk from home, and a proper toilet? My younger self might have
known who the drummer in the Undertones was, and the reason why Haircut 100
were so-named, but there was one vital thing she didn’t understand: the
importance of being able to nip home easily from a festival.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Beth Miller, published in VivaLewes.com<o:p></o:p></div>
Beth Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10257864885944938190noreply@blogger.com0